Sex and Social Science

(Cross-posted to another blog, Spicy Confessions from an Alluring Yoga Temptress.  You can probably expect a certain amount of overlap, silence and/or chaos for a while, while I try to get all my blogs in a row.  So to speak.  Bear with me.  I'm sure it'll all be worth it.)

I just tried (and failed) to read Sex at Dawn by C. Ryan and C. Jetha.  Back to the library it went!  I failed not because I thought it was wrong or badly written, but because frankly I just lost interest.  The question of how humans are programmed is just not all that interesting to me beyond a certain level, especially when I see so many sub-groups with agendas around the research.  Sexual orientation is a choice?  Choose differently!  Sexual orientation is genetic?  How about a pill or surgery to change it!  Humans are born to be monogamous–look at the evidence!  Whoops, change that; we’re actually born to be sexual sharers, creating social cohesion through sexual favors.

The research is important, yes, because understanding is a useful thing.  But ultimately we’ve got these brains to contend with, these brains that actually allow us to think about and observe ourselves, and make choices beyond our biology.  So it’s not that the research itself is a bad idea but what we often get up to with it, which is to make rules about right and wrong.  We also have the bad habit of picking and choosing the pieces of the research that work for us, and leaving the rest of it out.  So, for example, maybe I read Sex at Dawn and I love the fact that it looks like multiple relationships of both affection and sexuality are the thing for humans (Yay, I'm right!  I win!), but frankly I’m not so hot about the idea that we might be better off sharing our sexuality with everyone in our social group, as well as sharing the child care (Oh, let's just forget about that part, shall we?).  If I want to back up my own behavior, I’m going to have to be cautious in my reading.  Ultimately though what I'm really interested in is choice, and I want to make my choices based on what I think is important.

Want to be monogamous?  That’s fabulous!  Who cares that humans aren’t built that way?  It’s a great way to direct and focus your energy, and minimize your risks of sexually transmitted diseases.  Is it challenging?  Awesome!  Disciplined effort is a great practice and a useful skill in all kinds of ways.

Want to have multiple relationships?  Terrific!  Living outside the social norms gives you permission to experiment and gives you perspective, and empathy, for the outsider. Do you struggle with it sometimes?  Awesome!  What a great way to confront your inner demons by sharing with others.

Want to lie or cheat in your relationships?  Oh, not so fast!  Want to make rules about everyone else’s behavior because they’re all doing it wrong?  Whoa there!  In a lot of ways I think that life is a big experiment where we are both the scientist and the subject, and how amazing is that that we get to play around with all these big ideas in this fascinating body we have!  Really, that's what yoga is in a nutshell!  But pulling other people in as puppets in our little play?  Or trying to shore up our beliefs out of fear?  That’s just not playing fair.

Yes, do the research.  Yes, think about it.  But ultimately we all have to figure out what truths we’re going to live by, in order to do well by ourselves and others.

copyright 2011 J. Autumn Needles