Satya Revisited

Back again, walking in circles. I defined satya as non-lying in my last post, in alignment with the other yamas, or restraints, in yoga, most of which are "a-something", with the prefix "a-" meaning "not". You'll notice satya does not begin with "a-". A more accurate portrayal of satya might be "being" or "being with what is" as in maybe more of an ability to sit with truth.

And I'm definitely sitting with it right now in a very uncomfortable way. I recently read a book (and I apologize to the author because I forgot to write down the reference) which said, "To live a life that is yours, you must be willing to be imperfect and humble, lost and fuzzy often." But we want– I want–a good story, a story that ends well so sometimes it's more comfortable to give it just a little poke.

When I am truly lost, I notice in myself a tendency to spin the story even as it's happening. Am I brave in the face of the unknown? Is this the story of the kindness of strangers? Am I facing the whims of a hostile universe? Do I want sympathy or admiration? Usually though what I am really feeling at the time is stuck and frightened and kind of annoyed at myself that here I am again. Can I not just get this right?

I feel similarly when I get lost in my own life. Can I not just get this right? I think that there is where I run into trouble, because I don't really know what I mean by "getting it right"; I only know that it is not this thing that I happen to be doing now. And at that point the difficulty is to just sit with it. Satya.

It makes me itchy. Can I accept the fact that getting it right might mean being here with this feeling that it is not quite right? I'll think about it. In the meantime I remember. I do the things that I know do me good even though I'm not sure I trust them right now. I had the experience recently of having a health issue come up that made me fear my own practice. I avoided my mat to avoid the possibility of having my body let me down. Finally I knew that my practice needed me to show up for it. I stepped onto my mat and I began. As I moved from pose to pose, feeling the strength and grace of my body, I remembered that this is also truth, satya, that I can trust my body. I remembered that breathing is good.

I am imperfect and humble, lost and fuzzy often. It is the willingness to be these things that I seek, and which I lack. So I will sit with them and be itchy until the willingness arrives.

copyright 2008 J. Autumn Needles