Watch the monkeys

I teach yoga and you'd think that as a yoga teacher winding my legs up in lotus and sitting in silent meditation would come easily by now. I've been doing yoga for 28 years as well as doing lots of other things that require discipline, focus and a quiet mind. But....that's always the worst part of a yoga class for me. You know that part. You get to class, roll out your mat, do a couple of quiet stretches on your own while everyone else is arriving. Then the teacher begins. "Just sit quietly and bring your awareness to your breath. Notice how your breathing is, naturally, without trying to change anything. And now, turn your awareness to the rest of your body. If you notice any areas of tension, send your breath there and just sit quietly with it. Maybe an intention for your practice today comes into your mind." YEARGH!!!! By this time I'm trying to climb out of my skin. I would do anything to get out of just sitting and being quiet. And my intention for practice right at this very moment is simple: ESCAPE!

Even at my yoga teacher training the silent seated meditation didn't get any easier. The first day that we focused on meditation in class, we were sent off to the edges of the room to sit silently away from each other. I use the word "room" loosely because my training happened in Costa Rica and our yoga studio was a thatched roof held up with posts and no walls. I went off to the edge of the room facing out into the jungle. I sat cross-legged, closed my eyes, and began my mantra, "So" with the inhale, "Hum" with the exhale. And it goes something like this, "So....Hum....So....my back really hurts....Hum....okay, inhale....exhale....I'm bored....So...my back hurts...does it count as meditation if I wiggle a little....God, I hate this...okay, picture the mantra...So....ugh, this is awful....So....Hum...don't get on the train....So....my thoughts are like little boats floating by...Hum...what do I need to do today...I wonder what the beach is like right now..." and so on.

We saw monkeys every day we were in Costa Rica and often up in the very trees nearby. That day I could hear the sounds of a troop of monkeys coming towards us, until finally it seemed that they were in the trees right next to us. A dilemma! Do I continue my seated meditation and be disciplined about my intention, or do I watch the monkeys? Hoo boy, that's a tough one. Finally I thought, I'm in Costa Rica for heaven's sake....I'm going to watch the fucking monkeys! I opened my eyes and spent the rest of my time in that class sitting quietly with quiet thoughts focusing all of my attention on the monkeys and enjoying their show.

The next time we had a meditation class I skipped it and went to the beach.

Fast forward to just a couple of months ago. I'm feeling stagnant in my own practice and disappointed and tired in my efforts to get set up as a full time yoga teacher. I decide that the best way to approach my difficult feelings is to face one of my challenges head on; I decide to spend at least 10 minutes daily in seated meditation. No cheating either. My rules for myself are: sitting, not lying down; sitting, not moving; and sitting first, not after a really nice yoga workout to calm me.

At first, I could think only of escape and I would keep sneaking peeks at the clock to see if I was done yet. With practice, I began to see glimpses of where a continued intentional practice could take me. I would drop down out of myself and find myself floating and gently held by light and love. Or I would have a sense of sitting with thousands of other people, including another version of myself, all of us sitting quietly with each other. Or I would truly see the words from my thoughts forming droplets and falling into the sea and disappearing, and I could watch all of this with interest and curiosity.

And, I found myself pulling out of my rut and finding fresh energy. I had lunch during that time with a fellow yoga teacher, one with many more years of experience teaching, and we talked about our experiences with meditation. She laughed when I told her the monkey story, but was also surprised and moved by it. She talked about how she will often, with her students and with herself in practice, talk about being a curious mammal, a curious monkey. That we often judge ourselves for our quick and curious minds that are constantly moving, but that this is our very nature and part of our beauty.

When we meditate, we ARE watching the monkeys; watching them with interest and curiosity and benevolence; watching them in deep quiet so we won't scare them away, and not trying to make them be anything but what they are, not lizards or trees, but monkeys. Raucous miraculous monkeys.

copyright 2007 J. Autumn Needles