The Perils of Pigeon Pose

I had a defining moment during my yoga teacher training. Well, really I had a few. But one stands out because it was a moment that began at the beginning of my training and extended out to the end of the month. I went to our very first early morning yoga class at the very beginning of training. We swept through a multitude of poses in a very vigorous vinyasa, or flow, sequence over the course of 2 hours. At one point we landed in Pigeon pose.

I had done Pigeon before, but only when forced to in class. I never practiced it at home. Why? I absolutely despised the pose. And now here I am, the first day of my new life as a yoga teacher, and we're doing Pigeon. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm on my mat. I'm really hot and sweaty. I have no props. And I'm doing Pigeon. Only that's really overstating the matter because what's actually happening is that my body is clenched up, quivering and shaking and sweating, hovering OUT of Pigeon pose, because I have very tight, inflexible hips and I can't actually DO Pigeon pose.

That day I began what I came to call my hate mantra. It went something like this, "I hate this pose. I hate this pose. I hate this class. I hate this teacher. I hate everyone here. I hate this pose. I especially hate YOU, girly in the cute little top who just drops right into Pigeon. I hate this pose." And so on. Whew! It was always such a relief to get out of it and move on to balance poses, which I CAN do.

The whole first week we did Pigeon in class and every day I did my hate mantra and I shook and sweated and cursed and hovered OUT of the pose. My hate mantra became more complex as the training continued. We were taught to allow our inner witness to watch our practice, with curiosity and benevolence and no judgment. So I added a few lines to my mantra. Now it sounded like this, "I hate this pose. I hate this pose. Isn't that interesting how much I hate this pose? I hate this pose. Why do I hate this pose? Because I can't do this pose, because my hips are too tight, and I can't do this pose. Isn't that interesting that I can't do this pose? I still hate little girly in the cute top. Isn't that interesting? I hate this pose." And like that.

One day, my hate mantra took an interesting turn. "I hate this pose. I hate this pose. Isn't that interesting? I hate this pose. I'm scared of this pose." Well. Isn't THAT interesting? Now I've got fear in there with the hate. And I'm actually really curious-why am I scared of this pose? It's a pose on the floor so I'm not going to fall. There's very little risk of injury with this pose, especially when I'm holding myself up so far out of it. I'm hooked because I really want to know the answer.

The next day in class we didn't do Pigeon. We were always allowed time at the end of class to do our own series of poses and I felt a little nudge. I actually wanted to do Pigeon. But I held firm; I didn't allow myself to do it. This was a pose that I hated and couldn't want to do, so I didn't do it. But the next day we still didn't do Pigeon in class. The nudge happened again. My curiosity won out and I did it myself at the end of class. And I continued my hate mantra, and I shook, and I sweated, and I cursed. And I watched myself and listened. "I hate this pose. I can't do this pose, because my hips are tight, and that's why I don't do this pose and maybe if I did this pose, I'd be able to do this pose."

That was it, the source of the fear. I realized that I had a certain picture of myself, a belief about myself, and part of that belief was that I was not a flexible person. That, in fact, I was a person with very tight hips. I had been doing yoga and dance for many, many years and yet I was not a flexible person despite all that. And I didn't want to let go of that because it was part of my identity, it was part of my belief system. If I became a person able to do Pigeon, I would have to let go of that piece of my identity and be a new person. A person I didn't know.

The next day in class when I did Pigeon something changed. My mind had opened and my body could no longer hold itself out of the pose, and phffft! I collapsed into Pigeon pose. And I lay on the mat in Pigeon pose and I cried and cried.

And now I'm learning how to be a flexible person with wide open hips.

copyright 2007 J. Autumn Needles