What do you want?

When I was a kid we went to a local shoe store that had a real retired fire truck inside. The shoe store was only kids' shoes and the fire truck was for our entertainment while we waited for our siblings to finish fitting or for our mothers to finish paying. We all coveted that fire truck and we all believed that the best possible place to play was in the driver's seat holding the wheel.

In all of our trips to that store over the years I don't ever remember sitting in that seat. Oh, I loved that fire engine, but I'm not sure if I ever really touched it. I remember being up close and looking at it and longing for it–it was BIG, it was RED, it was BEAUTIFUL– but I don't know if I ever actually played on it.

I haven't thought about that truck in years, but I have been thinking recently about desire and poof! the truck appeared in my memory, still BIG and RED and BEAUTIFUL. Sigh. I also remember doing a photo shoot in high school with some firefighters and their truck. Honestly, I don't think I cared one way or the other about the firefighters, but their truck!! Well... I think for me doing that photo shoot fulfilled a long held desire for the truck of my childhood and for the opportunity I lost back then.

My last post was about keeping a promise to myself; this one is about desire denied. Not denied by outside forces: no, that truck was there in that store specifically to be played on by children. I denied myself. And when I consider the reasons I can come up with all kinds of things: there were too many other kids, I didn't really want to anyway, I was too old and mature for that, we didn't really have time, I'd do it another time. But I think the truth was, I was scared of the unknown and, even at that age, I had developed the belief that desire was bad and that having it was wrong and speaking it was even worse.

What do you want? What is your desire? Speak it at least to yourself, climb up on that truck and ride off in the direction of the blaze.

copyright 2007 J. Autumn Needles